Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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