Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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