one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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