That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
