god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
