yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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