I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
