if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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