I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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