do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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