just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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