someone get that fucking seahorse.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
