Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
