Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish you could order shots online.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
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