And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
