your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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