i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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