I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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