i permit you to call me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
