Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I party with great urgency now.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
