I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
