That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
