If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
