I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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