youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
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Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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