The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
