Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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