She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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