he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
