yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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