i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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