It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
ttyl tear gas
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
