I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
