I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sext me about skeletons
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