Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
