omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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