u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
