I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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