She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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