please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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