Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
