Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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