There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
