i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
