I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Who died my cat blue again?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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