and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
