I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
