Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
