8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
