Plan B is the new Plan A
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
