There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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