drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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