i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
