the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
