I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
40s are totally the cure
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
