I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
