yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
