apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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