Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
