she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
