Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
