You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
